Work did not exactly suck today. I had to wake up earlier than I would have liked because it was a teacher inservice day. I was a little freaked out about how much work I’m letting slide, so I buckled down and got a lot done this morning. For most of the day, I was responsible for minding children all day, but not very many of them. This meant that I didn’t really do much beside watch them, and it was overall very boring.

My feelings about Taylor Swift are complicated, not least because I resent that she is so enormous a machine that I have feelings about her at all. I think she has about as honest a rise to power, fame, and wealth on the back of talent as you’re going to find these days, but at the same time I find her boring in every way. I have no particular love for the triple j 100 (I think Australia has bad taste and worse hip hop) but there’s something sinister about this Buzzfeed campaign. I hate the way that some people feel this compulsion to be the midwives of global monoculture, and there’s this almost monarchist flavor to it, like the offensive part is that somewhere out there in the world, there are people who aren’t giving proper deference to Taylor Swift. 

I got home and didn’t feel like doing much except eating and GTA. I’m tired of being exhausted all the time, and doubly tired of being in such a whiny mood all the time. I think dissatisfaction can be a powerful motivator in the short term, but it can also be dangerous because having those negative thoughts can start a positive feedback loop where you start to hate everything.

I am working on some job applications. It has taken this long to start to buckle down and work on them. It’s funny, I do a tremendous amount of reflective writing almost daily, but writing about myself in an application feels so different & so weird & bad. I’m feeling empowered right now by refocusing my story back on myself, but I still feel uncomfortable being like, “I am amazing and competent and you should hire me.”