A Journal Entry In The Form Of An Exhaustively Detailed Agenda
8:40am Alarm sounds, waking you from a dream that’s just getting to the good part. Decide clock is wrong, reset alarm for twenty minutes later.
9:00am Decide that clock is still wrong. Recognize that the reality of a full leisurely morning complete with breakfast and contemplation and delicious tea is slipping out of your fingers like grains of sand from an hourglass, yet decide that jerking away morning wood should move right to the top of problems to tackle.
9:30am Disgusted with yourself, move to the bathroom for your morning poo and checking of gossip sites. Have a small moment of gratitude that only individuals have been shot overnight.
9:40 Take shower. Try and cultivate a blankness of mind. Accidentally fill your mind back up with self-congratulation on cultivating a blankness of mind.
9:55am Decide to make hot cereal without realizing that the grains you bought from Trader Joe’s on a whim are quick cooking but not that quick cooking. Look at the clock and think shit, I’m going to be late but it turns out all is well because the cereal is actually pretty good.
9:55am Start to pack your lunch. Realize that the fruit flies that have been invading the house are all your fault, because it’s your banana that brought them.
10:15am Get on the road. Pray that your car breaks down. Hope that you can ignore the check engine light one more day. 10:45am Arrive at work. Be vaguely ashamed at being the last one to arrive.
11:00am Start a meeting. [Later in the night, think about writing funny things about the meeting, then realize that comedy for one is the loneliest number since the number one.]
2:00pm Stumble dazed from the room where you’ve been meeting for three got-damned hours. Realize that you and your two coworkers have not been working so much as narrating out loud for group consensus and critique the steps of actual work that you would take if anybody had any fucking confidence in the work that they were doing or that management was there to support them or that their coworkers could handler their own workload competently.
2:10pm Drive over to the local park for a serene lunch.
2:15pm Realize that even though, in principle, the idea of a serene lunch at a beautiful park with a lake (even though it’s a man-made reservoir) is a great idea, three hours in a meeting is actually a long time and you need to take another dump. You worry that if you try and roll with it and exercise some will power, it will permanently turn you off of nature, and you also worry that that has already happened.
2:30pm Arrive back at your workplace.
3:00pm Think about your Instagram which you never update. Try and take a selfie:
3:01pm Look at this humorless and grumpy photo of yourself. Feel astonished at how what you think of as a neutral face is apparently not neutral at all. Try again.
3:02pm Decide that you trying to look friendly is much, much worse, and consider that maybe you are not cut out for this social media game. Be very intensely jealous that your friend Michelle is so good at this kind of shit.
7:40pm Stumble out of your workplace, astonished at how easy it was for hours and hours to just slip away.
8:00pm Get home. Think about making a pizza, opt for leftover pasta instead. Browse Reddit fitness forums because you decided on the drive home that tonight was the night that you were going to get a guest pass for the gym that you know is nearby and costs as much as three iced coffees and why haven’t you done that already.
8:15pm Run into your roommate. It seems like she’s totally game to go out to a bar and leave the house, but you’re on a mission. Open a bottle of wine for courage.
9:00pm Arrive at the gym. The guy at the front does not give a fuck. You’re into that. He has a mustache and for a second you worry that he’s going to try and be mustache buddies with you. (Mustache is a stupid word.) Work out (and remember for a second the 10 year old inside of you that is astonished that you would use a phrase like work out in relation to something that you did (and think for a second that maybe the 10 year old is right)).
10pm Get back home with a healthy feeling in your muscles. Finish the bottle of wine. Play piano with headphones on grunting along to outrageous hamfisted parlor songs & write yer words for the night.
11:47pm Finish the post, go to bed you fucking dummy. Rinse and repeat like god & pantene(mother.of.us.all) asked us to.