Tuesday

I had a great day today. I spent Monday in a weird funk, just caught up in confused, unhappy thoughts and feeling restless and slightly dissociated. In the evening, I went out for a walk, and about halfway into the walk I started to come back into myself. More precisely I finally started putting words to the way that I was feeling. I realized that I have been feeling the kind of restless feeling of transition. It’s the feeling when you need to wait for a friend in a building lobby. You sit down and try to get comfortable, but your eyes shoot up when a new person walks in the door and it’s not enough time to do much of anything.

[It truly didn’t occur to me until just this second that not everybody experiences waiting for a friend in the lobby as a stressful experience.]

So now I have to wait things out for a little bit, and play one of my least favourite games: You’re Getting Way Too Into Your Head vs. You Are Finally Tuning Into Important Feelings. If it’s one, I should go out and do things that get me out of my head and engage me in the world around me. If it’s the other, I should absolutely not do that and instead tune into the self and accept whatever uncomfortable feelings I have without judgment.

There’s not really a viable “no choice” option—I have a certain number of hours in a day. A portion of them go to my work, a portion of them I spend asleep, and the rest I have available to do whatever I want with them. I’m running a little bit short on want. I am engaging thoughtfully with the questions: what brings a little bit of joy? what do you think is fun? what would be pleasurable to do? and all I’m getting back is dead air.

Wednesday

Today was more or less the same. It started out feeling better but the enthusiasm and energy I brought to the day lasted until about 11am.

I did get to talk all this out with a friend at dinner.

As I was drifting into a nap, I realized what I’ve been looking for: danger, a sense of adventure. What I should be navigating towards is what makes me afraid.