era eras era

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journaling is an incredibly aspirational practice for many people. the people that dominate online spaces about journaling are the same kind of hucksters that dominate any sort of practice where the principals are easy and the execution is hard. fitness. career planning. budgeting.

the easiest way to journal is to write, which is also the hardest way.

i’ve never felt particularly secure in my journaling habit, and yet each year I’ve filled more pages than last year and that’s been true for almost 16 years.

the last time i took a run at reimagining this space, i wrote:

At some point I lost faith in my voice, and I’m just now dreaming about finding it again. When I look at old posts on this blog, all I read are the qualifications on my thoughts, my uncertainty to voice opinions, my wordiness. I feel like my inner monologue is different these days, and I want my writerly self to reflect that difference.

the incredible thing is, that experiment kind of worked. almost nobody read the posts, i felt like i was stylizing myself in real time, and my transparency only destroyed one of my friendships. for about four solid months, i kept a radically transparent online journal.

that’s just fine

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but growth has its own trajectory, and right now i am in the process of harvesting the fruits grown since that last post, and clearing space to plant something new.

Neighborhoods update

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I spent about 4 hours last Friday walking around Goose Hollow, and I’m very pleased with how the photo set came out. Check out my page at VSCO to see the photos and the past neighborhoods in the project.

Night Sky With Exit Wounds – Ocean Vuong


The dedication to Night Sky With Exit Wounds reads: “for my mother [& father]” and the brackets between mother and father is one of the strongest threads in the weave of this collection of poetry. Ocean (I use his first name because I feel like I know him now and I’ve already fallen in love with his author photo & it’s a beautiful name too) writes sharply about the deep unembraceable hunger for love and touch and wanting that comes with a father that hits your mother and hugs you with liquor on his breath and scares you with his weapons and his physicality. But he also has that poets eye, compassionate and cosmic, that sees his father as the survivor of a terrible war and a terrible time. Sexuality is ever present and always questioned with suspicion in these poems. Straight women worry about becoming their mother in their relationships. Straight men worry about whether they are becoming their fathers. Gay men worry about whether they are their mother who sublimates her self for a man or their father who possesses another (not all straight relationships are like this, but I don’t see the value in pretending like most are not). 

Mixed race and immigrant children take the hard work of coexistence and assimilation into their bodies. The political status of your people are the winds that can blow self-esteem and security away. When I’m with white people, I say that I’m Mexican-American. When I’m with Latinos, I say nothing at all, because the real truth of it is that my home culture is neither Mexican nor American, it is the negotiated culture of my parent’s marriage. 

The cover photo is of Ocean as a young boy seated between two women. On his shirt is written—I gasped out loud when I made out the faded words—”I Love Daddy.” White bars with the title and author hide their eyes, echoing documents censored by the military, but also maybe protecting the people in the photos from being completely seen. You can still make out the scared expression on the little boy’s face.

The good: a cosmic and compassionate sense of the billiard balls of history, frank and steamy erotic images, aching heart like a bruise. 

The bad: I thought the collection could have trimmed a few poems and emerged stronger, some of the poems sprawled in a way that seemed messy, I thought that “Our Daily Bread” should have closed the collection. 

The ugly: no ugliness, except maybe for an ugly cry. 

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟/😶✍🏼🌏🌊🌈🛠

1. Mill Park

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Cars in Mill Park seem a little sleepy. Oh sure they race down 122nd Avenue or Stark Street, but they also lounge on streets with their hoods open, or nap in the tall grass in front yards.

There are lots of churches in Mill Park. From open doors you can hear Slavic and Spanish worship music.

Things grow easily in Mill Park. Many lawns are bursting with verdant energy, like golden skinned children during the summer needing a haircut.

Children play in the streets. It’s hot during the summer.

Mill Park is maybe a little boring.

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Processed with VSCO with k2 preset

Freude

New Year

A new year, possibilities and promises, for many of us a few days to catch your breath, remember that you’re a person with a job and not your job, a person with problems and not your problems. It’s the one time of the year where we all silently agree to pretend that we have more faith than we do in the idea that we make choices, and our choices do not make us.

I am as happy as everybody else to see 2015 go. In my small world, I went through an episode of major depression, was very frustrated with my job for long stretches, and got very ill twice. On a larger scale, I found myself more emotionally distressed by the unrest and conflict in the world than any other year of my life. I did not understand the language of national paranoia of the late ’60’s (think Joan Didion’s The White Album) until experiencing this year.

So, green shoots. The time off has done its work, and I’m ready to go back to my routines and begin again. It’s incredible how reassuring and grounding our daily routines can be.  There is this apropos/revolting term that I see online a lot, “adulting,” which is a wide-eyed incredulity that somebody out there trusted you to take care of yourself, and then—surprise upon surprise!—you actually did. In both the best and worst senses of the term, being grateful to go back to routine, like an escaped dairy cow led back to the pen, is adulting at its highest.

I did make resolutions, just a handful. I don’t want to make them public, they are hard and they are big. What I will say is that at all of their roots is courage and bravery.