Style

Saturday

If this day was an egg, and I was an egg sorter, I would call it AAA, extra large. I woke up to the familiar droning lawn mower noise of Sting, our anal retentive coke dealing neighbor (he works for a local Coca-Cola distributor). I took the time to make myself a proper breakfast, then lazed around while waiting for Luke to get ready to go to the Portland Art Museum’s Italian Style exhibit. On our way over to pick up Hunter Thompson, who was joining us, we rolled down the windows and blasted this mix CD I found while cleaning through old storage at work called “Dance Music for Old People,” a thoroughly good mix of mid-80’s to mid-2000’s indie and indie-adjacent dance pop (and William Shatner, which dates the mix to the time when it was still funny to add a random Shatner track in for the lulz).

VA_ItalianStyle_installI enjoyed the exhibit a few weeks ago when I had a cousin visiting, and going through it a second time, I was impressed by how much I got out of it that first time. People go through museums at their own pace, but I have a genuine admiration for the way that the curators tell a story of regional transition through the catalog descriptions of the garments and fabrics they presented. So many people were blowing right past all of that information. It’s easy for me to say, I guess. I read very quickly. Over the years, I’ve talked a lot to HT and LS about clothes, whether flipping through GQ, critiquing RuPaul’s Drag Race, or just bitching about expensive things we want and can’t afford, and it was nice to go with them, and see him another time before he leaves.

After leaving the museum, we came back to my house. We had a little nostalgic moment, going through old photos, confronting the transition. He offered to go out for a drink, so we went across the freeway to Roscoe’s, a sturdy beer bar in Montavilla. We had a nice chat. I’ve been a little dull recently, because I feel very rudderless right now. When I talk with others, I have to either burn a bunch of energy faking interest or talk in circles about not quite knowing what to do with myself. It’s tiring and boring to think, tiring and boring to say, and definitely tiring and boring to hear. HT did have a great recommendation, though, which is an interview with James Murphy of LCD Soundsystem talking about spending many years too afraid to release work out in the wild:

It was just what I needed to hear. I winced—winced a lot—to hear some of the way that I feel narrated out loud. It inspires me to know that other people have taken a long time to figure out their shit.

When HT and I said goodbye, for what might be the last time before he heads to New York, he tried to have a nice and sincere moment, but I couldn’t stick with it and made jokes. Making jokes sincerely, though. For what that’s worth.

For the rest of the evening, I stayed in, got stoned, and watched through an episode and a half of the documentary series The Story of Film. 

story

The Story of Film has a strong editorial point of view that can sometimes be hard to swallow. Its enthusiasm for the films and directors it profiles (very occasionally there will be an interview with a screenwriter or actress, and while there is plenty of technical description one could easily forget that film crews exist) is transmitted through a deliberate, heightened narration in various shades of purple. It has a refreshingly ecumenical and global perspective—at least until it comes to commercial film. While I agree that the story of Hollywood has been told elsewhere, I think we’re long past the point where commercial cinema poses an existential threat to independent cinema. Not making The Lord of the Rings doesn’t mean that 10 Gerrys automatically get made.

That being said, it’s astonishing how much time I spend reading and watching and listening to that don’t fundamentally stimulate my imagination, and this series does. Its dense, slow, and sometimes dull, but in its best moments it makes my mind alive to the possibilities of artists following their questions and creating their voice.

Parameters

Thursday

I spent my morning writing and reading and me-timing. I unplugged my headphones from my phone when I got to work, and when I next tried to plug them in, I realized that the headphone jack was fucked. I listen on my phone so much that it felt like a real loss of something. Everything has a workaround, and I had been thinking about ways to try and leave my ears open when I walk and I’m out in the world (if I have solitary time like that, it’s nearly impossible for me to resist listening to podcasts, and I worry that the chatty flow of interesting information, while amazing, also mitigates some of the imagination-stimulating properties of alone time). It still sucks to not have a choice. Between this and the damage to my car from a couple of weeks ago, I worry that I’m going to hit a period where it seems like Everything Is Breaking And I Have No Plans For Replacing Them.

Maybe this is why balance is overrated. Maybe this is why balance is overrated?

I ran some errands in the afternoon. For my hour with the fourth graders, we played this fairly fun, but chaotic and tiring (for me, that is. The kids seem to be into it.) game, so I was running low on energy. The next hour, however, perked me back up, because I was running a computer skills program. We are working on a project where we are creating a simple game using the kids visual programming language Scratch. I love teaching this program: it puts me in a room with the kids that are actually curious and enthusiastic about something that I share, and I love helping with their problems. I love their problems. Despite all the talk of digital natives, kids don’t know shit about computers, and its fun to teach them basic thing like how to save something or reopen old projects.

I was jonesing for spaghetti for some reason, so I stopped by the grocery store to get some missing ingredients. When I got home, my roommates were out or asleep, so I made my pasta. When it was finished, I offered some to Luke Skywalker, and we ate and watched the newest episode of Mad Men. 

download

The first season is so fascinated by Don Draper, such a believer in his talents and his creative vision and insights that we become believers too. We have gotten in on the ground floor for this guy who is going to sell all the sugar water, elect all the presidents, define cool. Then the show never gave him that moment. At this point, most of the show is Don-Draper-knocked-off-his-game, not the cool Don that gave the show its early heat. Last season, I had to accept that the show had moved on, and decide to just take the show as it is. For that reason, the show hasn’t been super great (except for the generally excellent writing and acting), but hasn’t disappointed either. I kind of have a 5th season of LOST feeling about it: even if the last four episodes are fantastic, the last two seasons of the show have been so mediocre that I don’t think the show is ever going to deliver on the promise of its first season.

The light goes out, cycle completes. Dreams have been cinematic for the last few nights.

Friday

I woke up early on Friday morning to get to an all day training. I usually look forward to trainings, because I like breaks from routine. By the end of the day, I usually want to murder someone. I know this, and I still look forward to training days.

I stopped for muffin and coffee at the 7-Eleven, and say hi to the woman that owns it, who always seems to smile and remember me when I come into the store. She looks at me like a mother looks at her son. I imagine that she doesn’t like selling me cigarettes. Until this very moment, I hadn’t questioned that maybe that’s a projection, or that maybe I look at her like a son does to his mother.

I arrive at our location in Sellwood. We get trained on how to use an Epi-Pen. Awkward icebreakers are mercifully fewer than usual. Over time, I have become less game for icebreakers, and less generous with my sincerity. Withholding doesn’t feel great either, but I have a lot of suppressed irritation. Nobody is proud of their work, which encourages isolation, because nobody except your co-workers will understand exactly what you do to make do given what you have to work with.

I spend most of the time during the training writing in my journal. I do a little time travel, and start to write down—in as much detail as I had the discipline for—an interaction I had with an upset boy who’s parents are going through a rough divorce. It was a good exercise, and I try and write down his dialogue, which I very rarely try and capture. It made me think about how dull my memory is for the language of conversation, and how impatient I can get when I just try and get it down and not take the time to turn the words over in my head until they seem like they could plausibly come from the boy’s mouth.

We lunched at a Vietnamese fusion bistro, and I had excellent food and a very good sesame ball.

The second half of the day was even stupider than the first, though shorter. Thank the lord. The maintenance crew did a full vehicle audit while we were doing morning training, and a lot of concerning things were found. It’s good that they were found, but I am very not shocked (look at my face to see how shocked I am) that some stupid, dumb, easy, things were really bad, like the van that was almost completely out of oil. Its a weird, broken place right now and all I want to do is leave.

When I got home, I dozed before Hunter Thompson’s going away party. Before leaving, I played a bizarre game called Frog Fractions which is a very meta indie game that I enjoyed a lot. I probably wouldn’t have played it if it had been described to me ahead of time, but I’m very glad that I did.

It was a very nice and sweet going away. There were many people there, and I had a few nice moments where it felt like I was mingling and having a good time. I realized about an hour in that my batteries were running down fast, and I needed to flee, so I hopped a ride back home and spent the rest of the evening playing games and watching tv and relaxing.

Tomato

Forgive me

but I have gotten out of the habit of writing daily. I’m very proud of the groove that I was in at the beginning of the year, but like anything else, skip too many days and the habit changes. Writing wasn’t the only thing that changed: I got out of piano practice while Jesus Christ was traveling, and I totally got away from my desire to find one Instagram-worthy shot each day. I was worried about being cut off from others while not having a computer, but because I use it to work on things for myself, I felt more cut off from myself. I feel more normal now.

Wednesday

After sleeping way early on Monday night, and being up for 21 hours straight on Tuesday, I finally evened out on Wednesday morning and woke up rested and ready to face the day. Nobody was home when I was getting ready to leave. Sometimes I want to be the kind of person that wakes up and blasts Katrina and the Waves the second I get up, but on quiet, still mornings I usually quietly eat and read before leaving the house.

I had to start hustling as soon as I got to work. There was going to be a meeting at noon, and I spent the morning rushing around so that there was good news to report to the others there. I had to drop off some posters at a couple of the middle schools that are in the district I work in.

Skyridge-Middle-School-Medium

I was so struck yesterday by the strange architecture of schools here in the Northwest. Some things, like the perpetual smell of old fried food near the cafeteria or the bizarre colors that no sane adult would choose (a murky forest green that is somehow too dark, a rusty red-brown that looks like old shitstains), were familiar from my time in school. Others, like the new bank lobby approach to visitor security or the fact that the fronts of schools are engineered with autos and busses as first priority, probably have more to do with the schools being built in a post-Fortress America era than anything else. I found myself very nostalgic for the 1970’s open, outdoor campuses that I went to school in. The buildings were falling apart, but I loved the large eaves that formed giant wraparound porches, or that each teacher could prop a door open to let a cool breeze come through. I remember that my local school, Barbara Webster, (built with New Deal money to segregate away immigrant children in “Spanishtown;” to this day it serves mostly ESL and immigrant children) was a curiosity because it was an elementary school with an interior corridor. The schools here, or at least the ones that look like they were built quickly, look like bunkers, and the only thing that makes it not a sad environment to me is that the kids don’t know any different yet.

I came back for the planning meeting for an art show fundraiser coming up  in a month. It was an unusually sane meeting for that working group, and my spirits were lifted by the doyenne of the local art gallery. She’s a woman in her late 60’s that runs the local gallery, and has such a generous and enthusiastic and fun spirit, and so incredibly filled with don’t-give-a-fuck. We were talking about ways to attract teen entrants into the art show, and she made a crack about gift certificates to a local dispensary. It’s the kind of harmless, not cruel joke I might have made if I wasn’t… well, I’m not sure why exactly. She’s fascinating to me, and I wish that I could have met her at 25, because I imagine that she’s always been like this, or perhaps was once a much more buttoned up person.

After the meeting, I had a self-loathing fast food meal, then came back to find kids filling up the building. Nothing too crazy happened all day. When we were headed out to recess on the playground, I had one of those out-of-body, “is this my life?” moments where all I could see was the kids hanging off me, the cheap plastic whistle around my neck, my polo shirt and ill-fitting black pants. The moment passed, and it’s incredible that it doesn’t happen more.

By the end of the day, however, I was BURNT OUT. Toast. Nothing more to give. I came home, made myself dinner, and tried to watch a few episodes of Cowboy Bebop.

I’ve got a mixed reaction to Cowboy Bebop. But first, a digression through music:

One of the things I’ve been thinking about in the last year is learning to trust my instinctual likes and dislikes of things a little more. There are two things in balance with each other: everybody has an initial primary response to something, whether they like it or dislike it. The other side of that is the things that take time to appreciate, because you don’t understand context, or because you don’t understand the style, or because it’s unfamiliar. About every four months, I get irritated with myself for having an iPhone full of music that I’m not excited about that I feel like I have some obligation to try and like. And each time that happens, I try and remind myself to listen to myself, that I will like the extra time to bond with music I really love and won’t feel left out of the music that I’m trying to like.

Now, back to Bebop. Usually I have a much better nose for TV than for music. For whatever reason, I’m willing to try harder with an album that I think is boring than sit through a TV show that doesn’t interest me. And while I’ve liked some episodes of Cowboy Bebop, I think it’s past the point where it’s going to grip me as one of “my shows.” I think a lot of the show hinges on whether you like the character of Spike and find him charming. Now it’s probably unfortunate timing, but I’m not that interested in him. Through no fault of the show, I’ve been bombarded by snarky, dark, smoking anti-heroes on my TV for the last decade. The show’s jazz-saturated aesthetic and animation are still strong, as well as the presence of the totally winning Radical Edward (Edward is the sexist, annoyingly-voiced kawaii character that I usually hate, but something in the genderfluid self-invention of her names and identity, as well as her sunny disdain for the dark clouds that hover over her other shipmates keeps my interest).

After dinner, I headed out to my coffee shop to Nighthawks it and fill out a job application, which I completed and submitted with many knots in my stomach. After this, I go to bed and wake without remembering my dreams.

Blister

Sunday morning I woke up refreshed from falling asleep sober at 12:30am on a Saturday (wouldn’t reccomend). The day looked beautiful, and I put on some shorts and a sleeveless tee and drove over to Ste. Honore Bakery, where I had arranged to meet my friend Ned Nickerson and her boyfriend, Nancy Drew. Ste. Honore has my favorite croissant in Portland (please let me know if there’s one better somewhere else). After coffee and pastries, we went over to Forest Park, and walked through the trees for a couple of hours. It was lovely and beautiful, I love their company and they seem to draw out my best self.

I had made plans to go see the Italian fashion exhibit at the Portland Art Museum with Luke Skywalker, but that fell through, and we ended up just patio drinking for the afternoon. I went home, did a bunch of housework, then fell asleep.

Portlandia

L'eggo moi LEGO
A drawing I made of myself at work for a LEGO math program I’m going to be running.

Tonight I feel like I can finally exhale and start going back to normal again. My lovely sister and lovely cousin have been visiting for the last couple of weeks, and today was the last day for my last visitor and I finally feel free from questions like, “Am I selfish for wanting to take a nap right now?” and “Are they having fun?” and “Should we go out to eat again tonight?” It was a good visit, I was happy to have them, but now I can pick up the pieces, get myself back in order, and recover from what feels like three months worth of eating out and going out for entertainment. I’m not going to fill in the gap, but there are two really nice memories that I want to preserve and treasure:

A game of chess

Me and my seeester at a great Oregon Symphony concert last weekend.
Me and my seeester at a great Oregon Symphony concert last weekend.

I had a lot of fun with my sister: talking, visiting, going to see music, drinking. The most fun thing we did all visit though was to go to a NW coffee house that has chess sets available. We played one game fairly quickly, being quiet ourselves because there was a very Nancy Meyers-ish first date going on next to us between a hilarious woman with a young kid and a freaked out, very chill guy. The second game, I asked for her coaching, and we played a wonderful, nearly three hour long game that was neck-and-neck the whole way. I take very little credit for my victory, but she’s such a private person that I don’t usually get a window into her actual cognitive processes very often.

Queer Portland

Cousin Remy with Jesus Christ
Cousin Remy with Jesus Christ

My second outstanding memory was split over two days spending it out and about with my cousin Remy and Jesus Christ. The first night, we ended up going to CC’s on a night when it was weirdly busy, and having a couple of those small town/gay circles are small moments of serendipity that made me seem cooler/more of a regular than I really am. The second day we spent walking up and down Mississippi after a perfect dim sum breakfast.

Wed-ness-day

I woke up and made my cousin breakfast. I got a chance to talk to Luke Skywalker for a little bit, we’ve both been busy. She gave me a little bit of shit for feeling like I hadn’t had my “quality time” with her, but then we had a classic conversation over IM later in the day so I’m calling that even. Made it in to work on timeish, sleptwalked through my day– the less said the better– and made it home to veg out and try and get back to normalcy. I had a whole bunch of things I wanted to talk about but I don’t even care anymore and I’m eager to try again tomorrow.